Episode 156, Waiting on Rain,  Daughter of Godcast Season 4 Choice, still Season 4 and I'm still Dan Kelly, Shri Fugi Spilt.

I thought last week we'd do a double episode, but looks like this is the week we catch up. Last week's episode today, and this week's tomorrow.  Next week's episode yesterday if this were the title of a Philip K Dick novel.

Had we done a double last week, this episode would have been about my modes of podcasting such as scripted, outlined with riffing and totally improved, and how each style has it's own unique advantages. But fuck that, at least for this week. We got bigger fish to fry.

Actually, we don't have any fish to fry but has that ever stopped us before? Never.

Where's the movie? Who knows, just around the bend, a couple months away? That's our working premise. Insert assessments and projections here.

Clearly, the adventure of making this movie has been a sort of movie, I'm not saying THE movie, but making the movie, making myself - that's a story. Which I've been telling myself mostly, trying to be here for. When I feel like I've gotten nowhere, like I'm spinning my wheels, I remember that the point here is to make stuff, that's what artists do. S'all words anyway pointing to feelings. If I feel like an artist then everything's aite, Julian.

For a big creative endeavor, what's the most dire threat? Depression, discouragement, shitty inner dialogue. A triumph is sweetest when the dire threat is close at hand. Contrast. In some sense, I make the drama to power the process, to amp up the story.

Running out of money, a dearth of collaborators, broken or missing equipment, broken hearts, failed friendships, illness, injury, death... all that is ultimately inconsequential if there's an adequate supply of gumption. Loose our courage tho and we're stuck. Insist on telling a sad story, ignore the miracles that are EVERYWHERE and sure enough, I can simulate failure.

I started writing this episode today with research, had I talked about Swami Bua's walk-in on the podcast before? Turns out I probably haven't.

Digression. Some podcasts are conversations, interviews between at least two interesting people. I like those, I might like to make that sort of podcast someday. The thing is, I'm interesting all by myself, I have yet to run out of interesting things to explore, interesting to me I mean. Your mileage may vary. This is 156 weeks now, which means that 156 times I've made a little show, I've unraveled some story or riffed about my ride on theme park Earth. I'm in conversation with myself, a dedicated weekly reflection on my wild life, our wild life. Some weeks I feel like my material might be running a little thin, like I don't feel like talking, what's there to say? That's just me adding drama - omg I might not be an artist anymore, maybe I never was.

That I am doing this is hardly a big deal, that's not the point. Anyone can do this, everyone's experience is amazing somehow. All I'm doing is putting a frame around my painting, maybe it's audacity, or maybe just the desire to take a breath and reflect. Why do I have a desire to frame my picture, to share who I am with you? Why me and not you, tho maybe you are too.

What I am doing isn't better than no reflection, the unexamined life is a fine life, despite what the judgy greeks asserted. Introspection isn't something to aspire to, some of us just like to do that, and then maybe a subset of some of us promote introspection as the way to go for everyone. I like it so you oughta too, you better follow my example - believe what I believe, do what I do. My goshness, there are as many great games as there are people.

Why do I want to stop, take a breath and talk about where I've been, what I feel like and what I want? Why is that something I do?

The answer feels kinda hilarious, and here we go. Because I am an artist, and artists are rigged up, wired up to share. They've got to have some inside scoop, they've been compelled to lift up the control panel and see how things work under there. Worse yet, they want everyone else to know too. Spoiler alert! This thing called life is a software simulation which means everything you thought mattered doesn't matter at all. Or here's what's gonna happen next. Or everything is way more mysterious than we ever suspected. Whoo!

Art is only important if you're an artist. We all are of course, so ultimately being an artist is NO BIG DEAL. Except that we all designed Theme Park Earth to help us forget that we are the makers, the creators. Us artists don't want to play in that bigger sandbox, we just want to shout out spoilers during the movie and tell you what's gonna happen next, as if you didn't know.

My grandmother on my dad's side used to borrow the same detective novels from her local St Louis library over and over again. She was a voracious reader, like me. When I asked her why, she said "I forget what they were about, so I don't mind reading them again." She was a sharp lady too, witty and easy going. Thank the whirling heavens for grandmothers. We all forget on purpose so we can have the fun all over again. Or maybe find an angle on the fun that wasn't obvious on the first or the fifth pass.

Artists aren't very good at the forgetting game, the I'm merely a human game. They want to be gods, to exalt in mystery and have deep insights. That's exactly what we tried to get away from by being human. Of course we are divine, so what? We're indestructible spirit, everlasting, infinite intelligence, all one. Big whoop. Can you be human, for fuck sake? That's the game today.

Daughter of Godcast, Episode 156, Waiting on Rain because there's rain shots I want and for weeks now rain comes only in the evening.

There's more to say, isn't there always? There's more, more, more. I don't need no stinking interviewee to inspire my conversation, I'm having a conversation all by myself. I'm practicing how to converse with the cosmos by talking to myself. A sort of jerking off maybe? There is so much remembering, pleasure is a sort of memory or better said a reminder. Giving ourselves pleasure is a reminder that this feeling is what we are, remember? Remember? I am pleasure. Some artists are fixated on beauty. Beauty, beauty beauty. Like we really need to be reminded that our nature is pleasure. We set up Earth to forget about pleasure for a little bit, or maybe to make pleasure more intense through the simulation of non pleasure, a pretending. Artists who focus on beauty are a pain in the ass, they have forgotten why we forgot. Then there are others who want to spread the forgettery even more, as if they could. Improve on the mechanisms of reality. We're not trapped and we're not puppets, but if that's the story you insist on telling, by all means. If we yearn to remember our godhood, that's cool too but remember this too, even gods enjoy a vacation.


1 Comment

  1. Jil Johnson on August 29, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    I read this one because I needed to know everything NOW! I loved it! Thank you.

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